You say you go for weeks at a time without thinking of me, yet you wear the watch I gave you almost every day. I imagine my plant is still sitting on your windowsill. Do you still water it because it has become routine for you? Or is it dying because you refuse to push back your curtains to look at it? Your name is still written on my wall. The tickets from New York are still on my dresser. Anything that I forgot to put away within those first few days I cannot bring myself to touch. I won't wear the sweater I wore for your performance last Christmas. I can't pick up my needle and thread to cross stitch again; the very last thing I made was your tardis. I wonder if your mother will hang the ornament I stitched for her. Do you remember this time last year? We were so excited to be spending New Years together even if it meant we were going to be sleeping on different floors in different rooms. I was so happy that you were going to be my first New Years kiss and I so hoped you would be my only. Do you remember when we took a walk so we could stay awake? I felt so safe walking the dark streets with your arm around me. We paused every so often to sneak in a kiss; although there was no use in being sneaky about it because no one could see us. We talked about various things and at some point you mentioned when I was living in Florida for those 3 months. I began crying and told you how I hated being that far away from you. Those were the longest 3 months of my life until now. I remember you holding me close and kissing my head. You told me everything was going to be alright, I was home. And I was. Whenever I was with you I felt so at home. You held me while I cried and then pulled me back to look at me. You told me you loved me so much and I never believed you more than in that moment. I never expected you to love me the way I loved you, and when you finally did I realized all that we had worked for had been worth it. I truly believe that you were my one and only, my knight in shining armor. You saved me, even after you'd gone. I knew what I had done was wrong, but after you left I thought if I continued it wouldn't make any difference. It was my life and you weren't there to stop me, so I figured why not. I hate that it took going through that to see why you hated it so much. I can't take back what I've done but I can apologize for the way I behaved. I hope that even if I can't tell you in person you can forgive me. I miss you terribly, but as we say my dear "I will always love you more than I miss you."

This week has been especially hard. The more I try to forget about you the harder it becomes. I find myself revisiting old photos and videos. Most nights this week I've had a pleasant dream that involved us spending time together, but when I wake up I can't tell you about it. I can't tell anyone. My closest friend right now is Andrew, and I don't want to offend him. It seems to make him upset when I talk about you. I don't even think about it, the words just come out of my mouth. Then I see the expression on his face change and he talks about something else. It's a sort of reminiscent state of thinking, not so much a longing, when I'm with him. But as soon as he leaves I can't stand myself and what I've done. I'm starting to wonder if we would have worked out at all if I hadn't done what I did. Or if you didn't give up on us and make me second guess everything. I hate having these thoughts. I'm so confused all of the time. I never know what to think. I thought in the beginning I just wasn't used to being alone and not talking to someone all of the time. It took me all this time to realize what I've been missing is not the company, but you.
I feel so lost now. I knew that you didn't want to be with me anymore so I told myself I didn't want to be with you either. I convinced myself that I didn't want to stay in a relationship where I couldn't be myself, but I know now that I was myself when I was with you. I feel like I'm searching for something I'll never find, trying to be myself again. I have a place in this world and if it isn't with you I'm not sure where it is, but I'll be keep searching.

I want nothing more than for everything between us to be alright, even if we do not speak. I was in your area the other day with Andrew and he wanted to go somewhere in town to eat. I started to drive in that direction but when I realized how close we were to your house I had to turn around. I couldn't even bring myself to drive through the streets we had walked so often, how would I be able to walk them with Andrew? My stomach was hurting, my heart felt like it was going to pound right out of my chest. It took everything I had not to start crying. I saw so many cars identical to yours I lost count. Every time I passed one I had to look to see if it was you. Of course it never was. I'm not sure what I would have done if one of those times I looked over into the car next to me and saw you staring back. Would I be so happy to see your face again? Would I be startled, even though that was what I wanted and expected to see? Or would every emotion in me counter act the other until I broke down and cried? I'm not quite sure I want to find out.

I used to long for dreams about you while we were together. I never understood why I could fall asleep thinking about something else and have a dream involving it, but all those nights we fell asleep talking on Skype or while I had a playlist of our songs on, I didn't dream of you. Occasionally I would, but only when I least expected it.
Since we haven't been together I've been dreaming of you more than I'd like to admit. I know it's over between us, but my subconscious mind doesn't seem to agree. I think that's one of the reasons it's been so hard to move on. I'm trying to, I really am, but when I wake up because of a dream thinking that either we are together again, just broke up, or got into an argument, it makes it really hard to sort through my feelings. Sometimes I wonder if you've moved on completely. Or are you struggling, like me?
I hate that even the most pleasant dream involving you turns into a nightmare immediately after I realize it isn't true. It scares me when we argue in my dreams and I always wake up crying. I even had a dream recently where I was cornered by someone who intended to hurt me and all I wanted to do was call and talk to you, but instead I sat there crying because I thought you'd be angry that I called you. You used to joke and say I was your knight in shining armor, that I could protect you from anything. I don't know if you ever understood that I truly would do anything to protect you from harm. I never wanted to be the one to hurt you, so I guess it's ironic that the reality of our situation hurt you more than it hurt me. You used to tell me that we could work through anything and I believed it, but you didn't seem to agree anymore. I'm thankful that we weren't torn apart by a dramatic situation, but being slowly pulled from each other wasn't much better for me. If I had known the extent of your distaste for the mistake I had made I would have never done it. Even though you say that isn't what ended it, I know that that's where it stemmed from. Everything would have been over looked if it hadn't occurred and I believe that we would still be here.
Do you ever think of the things that might have happened? These past couple of months would have been that much better knowing you were there. I feel as though I could almost photoshop you into those events. You and I would have gone to see the Wombats together, we would have celebrated being together for 2 years and all of the things we've accomplished, and we would have finally dressed up as the Doctor and tardis like we planned last year and you and all of your friends would have been at the halloween party. You would have come with me stay at my dads and go to my uncle's funeral and you would have been the one I cried to when I found out Poppy doesn't have much longer. You would have come to Thanksgiving dinner and we would have gone Christmas shopping together. But you didn't, and obviously I understand why. I never invited you to do any of those things but if we were together that's where you would have been. With me.
Instead I realize I've been trying to fill your place. Those first two weeks that we were apart Matthew kept me company every night. I was constantly wishing it was you, but it was still nice to feel someone's arms around me that I trusted. While I was visiting my dad I went to see Michael several times. We spent hours at a time together and he made me laugh so much. I missed laughing. He gave me the joy I felt I was missing after you'd gone. I let him kiss me goodbye on my last night there.
When I came home I started talking to Andrew. We had a few classes together in high school but had lost contact after he graduated a year before me. I found out he was in a horrible accident. He shared his story with me, opening up about the emotional and physical pain he'd been through. We see each other most days, and keep in contact when we don't. I suppose he needs me more than I need him. But that's what I wanted, right? I wanted to feel needed, and he helps to fulfill that part of me, at least for the time being. He is my friend first and foremost, and I do care about his well being. But sometimes I'm not sure if I help care for him for his benefit or mine. I take him to doctor's appointments, to pick up his prescriptions, and bring him to my house when he doesn't feel he can drive. Even when he does I insist on picking him up and refuse gas money. He has just announced he's moving this month after his surgery. I promised it wouldn't change anything between us, but somehow I already know I won't uphold my end. The distance between you and I for those long 3 months were dreadful but we made it through. It made us stronger. But this is different. We aren't dating and I'm not in love with him. I fear someday he will be and I know that I won't and it would only crush his heart. He really is kind and caring, and such a gentleman; but we argue all of the time. It's mostly my fault and I know he knows it. I don't do it on purpose but I make everything so complicated. Part of it is because I still have you in my head. Sometimes I try to think of what you would want, but he's not you. He's so wonderful in a completely different way than you were, yet somehow I don't love him. His faults are no bigger than yours, and yes he even does some things better than you. But I can not bring myself to love him. He said he never wanted to get into this if wasn't going to go somewhere, but how could I know what the future holds? All I know is that in my subconscious mind I still dream of our future together, or at least what we said it would be.

This will be where I come to write whenever I think of you. Maybe some people will think this is stupid, but I don't care. You were my best friend and I miss you greatly. I know we said we wouldn't be friends, and I'm not sure that I could, but sometimes I wish we were. I know it wouldn't work, I'm still so in love with you and sometimes I wonder if you're still in love with me. I find myself thinking of you often. I try not to but it's hard when everything reminds me of you. I hear things that I know you would laugh at, I find art and music you would appreciate, and I see pictures that remind me of places we've been or places we wanted to see together. I used to know you so well. I'm sure you haven't changed much since we were friends and I hope you're doing well. It probably isn't healthy for me to check in on you but I find myself doing so from time to time. It's hard for me to get used to not knowing what's going on, especially at such an important time in your life. I hope you find everything you're looking for.