I used to long for dreams about you while we were together. I never understood why I could fall asleep thinking about something else and have a dream involving it, but all those nights we fell asleep talking on Skype or while I had a playlist of our songs on, I didn't dream of you. Occasionally I would, but only when I least expected it.
Since we haven't been together I've been dreaming of you more than I'd like to admit. I know it's over between us, but my subconscious mind doesn't seem to agree. I think that's one of the reasons it's been so hard to move on. I'm trying to, I really am, but when I wake up because of a dream thinking that either we are together again, just broke up, or got into an argument, it makes it really hard to sort through my feelings. Sometimes I wonder if you've moved on completely. Or are you struggling, like me?
I hate that even the most pleasant dream involving you turns into a nightmare immediately after I realize it isn't true. It scares me when we argue in my dreams and I always wake up crying. I even had a dream recently where I was cornered by someone who intended to hurt me and all I wanted to do was call and talk to you, but instead I sat there crying because I thought you'd be angry that I called you. You used to joke and say I was your knight in shining armor, that I could protect you from anything. I don't know if you ever understood that I truly would do anything to protect you from harm. I never wanted to be the one to hurt you, so I guess it's ironic that the reality of our situation hurt you more than it hurt me. You used to tell me that we could work through anything and I believed it, but you didn't seem to agree anymore. I'm thankful that we weren't torn apart by a dramatic situation, but being slowly pulled from each other wasn't much better for me. If I had known the extent of your distaste for the mistake I had made I would have never done it. Even though you say that isn't what ended it, I know that that's where it stemmed from. Everything would have been over looked if it hadn't occurred and I believe that we would still be here.
Do you ever think of the things that might have happened? These past couple of months would have been that much better knowing you were there. I feel as though I could almost photoshop you into those events. You and I would have gone to see the Wombats together, we would have celebrated being together for 2 years and all of the things we've accomplished, and we would have finally dressed up as the Doctor and tardis like we planned last year and you and all of your friends would have been at the halloween party. You would have come with me stay at my dads and go to my uncle's funeral and you would have been the one I cried to when I found out Poppy doesn't have much longer. You would have come to Thanksgiving dinner and we would have gone Christmas shopping together. But you didn't, and obviously I understand why. I never invited you to do any of those things but if we were together that's where you would have been. With me.
Instead I realize I've been trying to fill your place. Those first two weeks that we were apart Matthew kept me company every night. I was constantly wishing it was you, but it was still nice to feel someone's arms around me that I trusted. While I was visiting my dad I went to see Michael several times. We spent hours at a time together and he made me laugh so much. I missed laughing. He gave me the joy I felt I was missing after you'd gone. I let him kiss me goodbye on my last night there.
When I came home I started talking to Andrew. We had a few classes together in high school but had lost contact after he graduated a year before me. I found out he was in a horrible accident. He shared his story with me, opening up about the emotional and physical pain he'd been through. We see each other most days, and keep in contact when we don't. I suppose he needs me more than I need him. But that's what I wanted, right? I wanted to feel needed, and he helps to fulfill that part of me, at least for the time being. He is my friend first and foremost, and I do care about his well being. But sometimes I'm not sure if I help care for him for his benefit or mine. I take him to doctor's appointments, to pick up his prescriptions, and bring him to my house when he doesn't feel he can drive. Even when he does I insist on picking him up and refuse gas money. He has just announced he's moving this month after his surgery. I promised it wouldn't change anything between us, but somehow I already know I won't uphold my end. The distance between you and I for those long 3 months were dreadful but we made it through. It made us stronger. But this is different. We aren't dating and I'm not in love with him. I fear someday he will be and I know that I won't and it would only crush his heart. He really is kind and caring, and such a gentleman; but we argue all of the time. It's mostly my fault and I know he knows it. I don't do it on purpose but I make everything so complicated. Part of it is because I still have you in my head. Sometimes I try to think of what you would want, but he's not you. He's so wonderful in a completely different way than you were, yet somehow I don't love him. His faults are no bigger than yours, and yes he even does some things better than you. But I can not bring myself to love him. He said he never wanted to get into this if wasn't going to go somewhere, but how could I know what the future holds? All I know is that in my subconscious mind I still dream of our future together, or at least what we said it would be.