This week has been especially hard. The more I try to forget about you the harder it becomes. I find myself revisiting old photos and videos. Most nights this week I've had a pleasant dream that involved us spending time together, but when I wake up I can't tell you about it. I can't tell anyone. My closest friend right now is Andrew, and I don't want to offend him. It seems to make him upset when I talk about you. I don't even think about it, the words just come out of my mouth. Then I see the expression on his face change and he talks about something else. It's a sort of reminiscent state of thinking, not so much a longing, when I'm with him. But as soon as he leaves I can't stand myself and what I've done. I'm starting to wonder if we would have worked out at all if I hadn't done what I did. Or if you didn't give up on us and make me second guess everything. I hate having these thoughts. I'm so confused all of the time. I never know what to think. I thought in the beginning I just wasn't used to being alone and not talking to someone all of the time. It took me all this time to realize what I've been missing is not the company, but you.
I feel so lost now. I knew that you didn't want to be with me anymore so I told myself I didn't want to be with you either. I convinced myself that I didn't want to stay in a relationship where I couldn't be myself, but I know now that I was myself when I was with you. I feel like I'm searching for something I'll never find, trying to be myself again. I have a place in this world and if it isn't with you I'm not sure where it is, but I'll be keep searching.